I recently slipped into a mood where I no longer wanted to be around people. I had no desire to take time and invest in relationships that stressed me out, and I had no desire to explain this to anyone. Have you been there? Maybe that’s my cynical side that comes out where I expect too much of people and myself. But, nevertheless, it can become my demise. I had a small group I attended on Wednesday nights with a bunch of great girls. We began spending that time going through a book and discussing our views. I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like the group was becoming what I thought it should. It took too long for us to begin and there was too much small talk. I wanted depth. Or did I?
Within weeks I found myself on my couch crying my eyes out wondering why I felt attacked by this group. Well, the truth is, they cared enough to come to my home one night and discuss my lack of attendance and distance from the group. I didn’t want to discuss this with them. Why? Because, I wanted to break away from these relationships and go back to what I was used to. I was used to being in my head and used to relationships and people leaving me. Even though my spouse has shown me over and over again that she will not leave, I sometimes feel this with her too. My childhood was full of people hurting me and leaving me and somewhere along the line I learned to not allow that to happen. I learned to protect myself from these unwanted feelings by simply not dealing with them. Well, these feelings confronted me this time in the form of my friendships that were on the line. I had to think about if these relationships were worth the work and worth the discussion that night.
They were and they are.
I didn’t want to admit they were right, but they were. I was distancing myself partially because of jealousy over some things and partially because of my own feelings of inadequacy. Admittedly, our previous experiences create baggage and this baggage gets hauled around into every relationship we become a part of in life whether work or personal. We can’t get away from it for long because it shapes us. This baggage helps to create our character, but it also helps to create the conflicts we become a part of in life.
Sometimes, it just takes time to heal and it takes patience to nurture relationships, forgive and accept forgiveness, and it takes time to develop long lasting trust in your friends. It’s okay to not have it all together because none of us do. We’re all walking through this life together. I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who will take the time to confront my idiosyncrasies and love me anyway. Do you allow people to love you, accept you, and sometimes confront those habitual behaviors and reactions you have? I hope you think about that today and put aside previous hurts enough to see the relationships around you. Are they worth it?
Wow! I am amazed at how much these words mirror my own life. I do the same thing. I see the cycle of it, every few months, I experience the no longer wanting to be around people or even try and no desire to explain why. And yet there are times outside of this where I want to invest deeply and have strong bonds with people. Ultimately, I too just wait for them to leave, I too have learned to protect myself before it happens. I definitely do not have it all together, but I’m not going to give up. The fruit of a healthy relationship is worth the journey of getting there.
Wil, thanks for the reminder that it’s okay to not have it all together, and that we are on this journey together. Thank God for Christian friends who hold us accountable.
I’m so glad this resonates with others! We’re definitely on such similar paths in this life.
This just reminds me of the ebb and flow in all relationships…kelly’s dad told me recently that the definition of flight is a couple of seconds of busting it flapping followed by a time of just gliding along to enjoy the ride…in my marriage and with friends it seems to be the same…sometimes you have to work and bust your butt to keep it in the air…but man the time that we spend just gliding because of it makes it all worth the effort. Hold fast to your relationships…especially those that force you to look at yourself as God sees you.