Secrets

I recently had a friend ask me a question about some darkness in my past. While going through this conversation I wondered to myself how many people have struggled with the pain of someone asking about their past; their secrets. When this friend and I were talking I had so much pain and so many memories resurface and I became angry again. I’ve dealt with these things many times before and each time it’s a little easier, but it still catches me off guard and takes time to deal with. I don’t know of many secrets I hold anymore. But I wonder if you do?

I wonder how many of you reading this article have things coming to mind, things that you may have never told anyone for fear of how they would react, fear of being exposed. I had so many secrets for so many years. Some of these secrets were results of my own decisions and many were not. They were things that happened to me that I had no control over. But still yet, these things when kept in the dark can tear a person up inside. I learned a few years ago that until we expose these deep dark hurts and pains, they stay in the dark and end up becoming much worse than they began. When we keep things in the dark the enemy can take hold of the pain and lie to us about who we are causing us to live in hell on the inside. When we finally tell someone about these things it’s like we are shedding light on the darkness and lies we’ve believed for so long. These lies that no one will understand what we’ve experienced, no one will understand what we’ve done. Lies that say we are failures and unworthy, that it was our fault. Lies that tell us because we made this specific decision to do these things we must have something wrong with us at the core of who we are. These things are such lies, but out of fear and guilt we hold them in allowing them to control our every move.

I wonder, if we were all to take these secrets to someone we trust or write them down and get them out of our heads, what would happen? Would healing happen? Why are we so afraid? I think we all have this in common, this fear that someone will find out or that no one will understand. We are all human and have all made bad decisions or had things forced upon us that we had no control over. Some of us have only thought things that we feel we can never ever talk about.

We have all experienced these feelings in some way then haven’t we? I mean, we’re all the same in so many ways and we are all broken people. I bet if we were to start exposing these pains we would realize that we are all more alike than we know. Obviously, if we start talking about things we’ve held in for so long we have to be careful and make sure we speak to someone we trust. These things will undoubtedly bring pain and unwanted memories, but I think ultimately it is worth it.

Through this conversation with my friend I realized it had been some time since I spoke on these secrets. They may not have been secrets anymore, but they had been for a long time, and to be reminded of them again was difficult to deal with. If it was still difficult for me even though I’ve dealt with my secrets before, I wonder if maybe it is even more difficult for those of you still holding it all inside.

I’m writing this for you; the one who has so much pain and confusion inside; pain being kept in by fear. Maybe it’s time for you to expose these things and break the bondage it has on your mind and heart. I pray in time you will find someone willing to walk through these secrets with you and bring you healing and wholeness.

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10 comments

  1. And what happens if U live in a country, in Europe, where is not yet open to gay people… The subculture can’t meet w/ people who love God. And what is it that if I’m a girl, whose work is manly, and cant be open things the sexual orientation. I just want only one girl who loves the Lord and me. I want to be a good child of my mother, I want to be good at my job, I want to love God and to love a girl who love God, w/ me.

  2. Hi there. I’m so confused right now. I feel so torn on the inside. I have a secret I’ve been wanting to tell someone for years, but I’m so scared of what might happen. I’m a guy, only 16. I love God with all my heart and I earnestly want to pursue Him.

    But… I have feelings for other men.

    I’ve felt that way ever since I was a kid in elementary. I’ve been so scared to tell anybody… I’m even beginning to develop feelings for my friend at church, and it “feels” right, but it can’t be! I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I have an ache in my heart, a longing to feel… “normal,” in a sense.

    I’ve tried to lock it away inside myself, but it’s just too hard. The aches and the pains come raging back as I sit in the solitude of my room. I struggle with fear, with self-worth, with depression… I hate myself for how perverted the whole situation seems, but I can’t seem to change it. I feel like this attraction is part of me. I haven’t told ANYONE about this before. Not my friends, not my family… Not my beloved mother and father…

    I’ve always grown up in a Christian home… My parents were loving and kind, and they helped me nurture my faith and grow it. I have wonderful friends who care about me, I have great grades and am looking to go to a distinguished college. I have everything going for me… But why do I feel so… Worthless? So helpless? Why the heck do I have feelings for the same gender?! I didn’t choose to be this way! I never wanted to be this way! Why would I try to twist my nature into something that would turn against everything I’ve ever been taught?! It’s not fair! It never was fair!…

    …I am so lonely sometimes, because I feel like the moment I open up, and expose myself and who I am to the people around me… I would be shot down. I would be despised. My friends would turn away from me. I would be reviled by my family. People would never look at me the same way again…

    I feel so much hurt, sadness, and anger. All at myself. I can’t tell anyone about this, I could never tell anyone about this…

    I long for a friend I could just talk to. Someone to whom I can pour out my feelings. Someone who won’t judge me and call me out for my sin. I need to feel love for who I really am. I just need to feel… Accepted.

    I know my parents love me. I know God loves me. I know my friends love me. But my family and friends don’t know the real me yet… They don’t know my true feelings. I feel like my life is fragile rooftop, and the moment I let go of myself, it will all come crashing down. I don’t know what to do.

    God help me.

    • Hi “Confused”, I just now saw this post. Please feel free to connect with me through my blog or facebook as well at facebook.com/willowtree1218. But, I would highly recommend getting in touch with GCN which is the gay Christian network. There are many guys like you and you are not alone in your struggle to figure it all out. Check out the book Torn by Justin Lee as well. Love to you!0

  3. hi, your article, was so true and spot on.. now how it is to have a dark past, i have had that, just start to open up my mind..
    god is with you an al of us.

  4. Thank you for this article, it is something I struggle with the most. I stuff so much deep inside, and find it very nearly impossible to talk to anyone, even my partner of 14 yrs about what is going on in my mind and heart. As you can imagine, this is not very good for our relationship. I will accept any prayers to help me out of this cycle. Blessings to you.

    • Hi Barb,

      I will definitely pray for this with you. It’s hard to get out of that cycle sometimes and it takes patience with yourself and others. Please email me if you would like to speak further!

  5. Georgia Lee McGowen

    I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to read this article. It makes an excellent point. In writing my own auto-bio from a third person type perspective I’ve discovered an honesty I didn’t know I was capable of. There have been times that the pain has become so unbearable that I have been unable to write for several weeks … but it’s necessary. I don’t know that it will ever be published, but if it is, the thought that people who were part of my life will see it has forced me to be factually honest about my acts and the motives behind them in a way I have never been. Thank you again for your questioning insights.

    • Georgia-
      I wrote a short autobio that covers a fraction of my life, some events, but it was a huge part of my feelings, thoughts and beliefs that developed over the course of a lifetime.
      It was liberating and healing for me. I used another name and changed people and places.
      I tried to be as honest as I knew how and deal with the question of believing in Jesus– forsaking all and being gay.
      I now need to add another chapter as I came to terms with everything– forgave past hurts, asked forgiveness for unforgiveness and bitterness— publicly renewed my vows to Jesus in a baptismal ceremony– and against everything I have known to be possible– God has given me the Love of my life—-

  6. Very true, sis, that satan has a field day with that which is kept in the dark…thanks for your honest and encouraging article. God loves you! :)

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