What are some ways that you might be able to bring God back to the forefront of your thinking and your day?  It could be something as simple as a prayer before a meal, or prayer of “Hello, Lord” before you roll out of bed for the day.  Maybe while you’re at the gym, play Christian music on your iPod instead of the usual.  Write Scriptures on post it notes and pin them up around your home to keep the Lord and His promises surrounding you.

Have you ever thought about having a prayer closet… a literal closet that could shut out this busy, loud life and become a sanctuary for you to sit with God in prayer or meditation?

We can’t get so busy that we forget who makes this life possible, and if we do, something has got to change.  Take a few minutes out today to assess your schedule and see if you even give 10% of your day to God?  If we even begin by simply acknowledging His presence – that’s a step forward.   We can walk in constant communication with Him just by being aware that He’s with us.

Ephesians 2:4-9 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

I’m pretty amazing and I have led many Christians to God.  I teach four Sunday School classes every weekend and I spend all my extra time online ministering to others and sharing all my incredible wisdom that I’ve learned through my one-of-a-kind testimony. God uses me to changes lives every day, and this world is so much better off because God made me.  When I speak, it is always relevant and never redundant, never. I am a great Christian who loves God and God obviously loves me.

Do you know folks like this that love to shine the spotlight on their spiritual accomplishments and religious resume? Probably the only part of that statement that is worth repeating is, “God obviously loves me.” Yes, He does!  Because daily He extends grace to each of us. Daily He forgives our flaws and pride and covers us with His perfect love.

But it’s rough when God shines a spotlight on our pride.  The moment that our words puff up our pride, I believe the Holy Spirit grieves because we are pushing ourselves into God’s rightful place. Acts 17 says “For it is by Him that we live, move and have our being.”   Jesus himself said that even He could not do anything without the Father. (John 5:19)

However, when we fill our hearts with His Truth and pray humility into our actions, the Lord will opens doors for us to bless others, help others, encourage other and speak His Truth.  And as Philippians 4:13 says – “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!”   Let’s let the glory go to God and the grace go to each other as we journey this life together all in a state of love, humility and forgiveness.

Remember – You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are. –Max Lucado

I guess they are basically asking me how to rationalize homosexuality and explain the passages in the Bible that speak about same-sex acts. Because if I can prove that homosexuality is not a sin, then gay marriage doesn’t look so wrong either.

The Holy Word of God, known as the Bible, is our history, our heritage, God’s love letter, and our written guideline for living. With this powerful resource we must be responsible and become life-long students of Scripture. And we must realize that in our human capacity we are unable to have the revelation of the Scripture unless the Holy Spirit reveals it to us.

That being said, I believe that the Lord in His sovereign wisdom has a plan for us. He has allowed that plan to move with the ebb and flow of humanity. As needed, incest was appropriate in Scripture until God commanded otherwise. For a while, polygamy was condoned. The Lord needed the earth to be populated. So, man and woman were charged with, “Be fruitful and multiply.”

However, in 2012, in a world completely over-populated, I wonder what the “norm” or charge from the Lord would be now? I don’t think He would limit the plan for only heterosexual couples to commit to one another and raise kids or love each other. He doesn’t see male or female like our minds view sex.

“What about the passages that mention homosexual acts as an abomination?”

Well that’s a whole different article and you can read that here…. In short, I do believe that God’s plan for mankind has evolved over the centuries; however one underlined commandment has remained absolute – “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.” (Luke 10:27)

So as a Christian lesbian, I see Scripture as a whole and view the heart of God within the powerful commandments and promises revealed there. I’m still learning and pray that the Lord is constantly revealing His truth to me daily by His Holy Spirit. And if we could just get past all of the RULES and understand that Christ came so that the law would be fulfilled, we would peel back the layers of dogma to find relationship. While many rules are needed and still apply, there’s a deeper level of a faith walk experienced by a mature Christian where rules might have been what guided you initially but love and relationship is what drives the faith walk further on and sustains it during the storms.

I call myself a lesbian because I am same-sex attracted. I married my best friend because we wanted to commit our lives to each other and have a family. I call myself a Christian because I’m in love with Christ. And as Christians, we must yield to His Will, and realizing that we don’t understand law and divine supremacy at His level. What we might think is a RULE today, might just be a tool in His hand to guide us to a better tomorrow without any rules and into a realm of unconditional love with no labels. Who knows?? Who am I to say? Who are you to say? All we can do is love. Just love.

First I want to look at what authentic means, “genuine, accurate in representation”. What does genuine mean, “not counterfeit, real, free from pretense”.

So how can we be authentic, the real us, genuinely who we are, while keeping a part of us hidden in secret? It can definitely cause discord inside of us as we feel we are not being honest and shame can creep in as we feel our integrity lacking by not being fully us, who we are at all times in front of all people. For many of us, discovering who we are authentically can be a journey in itself. When I finally accepted the sexual part of me and identified that I was in fact a lesbian, I began to understand a lot about myself. Things suddenly made sense deep inside and pieces came together that had seemed jagged and just didn’t fit. Initially, I was discovering who I was fully, the real me and embracing that while at the same time I did have to live in secret. I began to accept who I was and then seek to discover that God also accepted me as I was and in fact, knew all along who I was as He created me fully to be me. I allowed Him to let this truth go deep in my spirit and in my heart.. it took awhile for me to fully believe it. I learned that being a lesbian was only a part of who I was and that God has truly made me a beautiful mosaic, several things making me ME. I think it is possible to live authentically while not being open to others about every piece that makes you who you are. Doing that though, I believe, comes from a place of accepting yourself and being at peace with who you truly are. You can walk in authenticity and hold those dear things close to your heart without parading them around others. Keeping things close to your heart does not mean you are deceiving others or lying to them, it just simply means you are using wisdom until you feel you are able to share those things with them.

Psalm 139, this entire chapter is something that I read out loud to myself often. I want to highlight a couple of the verses in this chapter.

verses 1-3 “O Lord, You have searched me and KNOWN me, You know my sitting down and my rising up, You UNDERSTAND my thoughts afar off. You COMPREHEND my path and my lying down and are ACQUAINTED with all my ways.”

verse 13a “For You formed my inward parts…”

verse 15a “My frame was not HIDDEN from You when I was made in SECRET…”

My journey has always included Jesus. I remember in grade 2 having my first realization that maybe my thought processes and ways of thinking were a bit different than my friends. As I journeyed towards my teen years I knew that I was not attracted to boys. My journey began to shift a bit as my paradigms became more challenged the closer I got to my 30s. My understanding was that I am a lesbian, it is truly, authentically who I am. BUT!!! what about my relationship with Jesus? I have lived my entire life with Him as my Source, my Parent, my Best Friend, my Everything and I mean that literally… many years I would sit alone and know that He was all I had. I shared my deepest secrets with Him, I cried to Him more than anyone and He listened and comforted me always. My bond with Him was stronger than any other in my life. There were many days when I didn’t see life was worth living except for my relationship with Him and every time He was there when no one else was. Oh my has He been faithful to me!! So how do I leave Him now just to be authentic to who I am? This can’t be His plan for my life.

I decided that the turmoil of hiding was worst than coming out would be so I tentatively began to mention to a few in my life that I was a lesbian. Oh my bad decision! You see, I was the Children’s Ministry Leader for 8 years in that church and I was on the Prophetic Ministry Team… there is no way I could be a lesbian in their eyes and be used by God. So I was asked to step down from both ministries. This devastated me. Relationships changed. Well what that resulted in was my leaving my church for three months. It was so devastating to my heart as I realized that my entire life outside of my job was my church community. I was isolated and dying inside. I went back to church and submitted to their leadership promising that I would be open with them and share my same sex attractions and thoughts and would repent and seek healing.

It wasn’t long afterwards that I was restored to ministry and life resumed it’s normalcy. At least on the outside… on the inside I was jaded, hurting, and feeling as though God would never use me again… that I would never know the intimacy that He and I had so deeply shared. I was honest and shared my attractions/thoughts with my mentors and remained accountable in every way to my leadership team. Fast forward now to the end of that year, my mentors begin to realize that I haven’t been sharing quite as much and begin questioning me about it. Finally towards the beginning of 2005 I decide that if I cannot live authentically, then I do not want to live at all .. authenticity it is!!

This time I was not going to let them remove me from ministry. So I went to my Pastor and told him that I was removing myself from ministry to save them the trouble and was leaving the church because I was a lesbian and there was no changing that. What followed was far more devastating than the previous year’s experience had been. Over the next couple months, I was told that I was not allowed to return to visit the church, that if I saw any of the children in the store or out anywhere I was not to speak to them, that I was dead to them and no communication would be allowed. I was called into a meeting with my leadership team while they threw scriptures at me and told me that I was not welcome at their table and they could not share a meal with me. That relationships with them were over. I sat on the floor (with them all in chairs) and bawled as I have never bawled before. I was crying from the core of my being, emptied of all that was me. These were people I had known closer than family for 17 years, I had lived with one family even. Without these core people in my life, I had no one. The meeting went on and on for a couple hours, I would rather they had beat me physically because it would have hurt less than their words did.

I left there alone, empty and afraid. I cried out to God because that was all I knew to do. I had to believe that this God that I had known all my life was indeed loving and would not forsake me. I began attending a church that embraced me and truly taught me what it meant to live authentically. They ministered to my pain and hurt, my devastation and the loved me. It was a roller coaster ride for me to reconcile my faith and my sexuality.. but it did happen eventually.

My experience left me jaded and scared. It left me a different person. I wish it hadn’t. Today, I speak to those people who were in that meeting with me that day. I love them and have forgiven them. They accept me as me and we are acquaintances. God can bridge the gap, I simply had to let Him do it and let go of my hurt and anger. I mean in BIG ways. One couple now have their own church and a gay home group.. hello God!!

My God is a Redeemer, full of mercy and grace. I had to allow space in my life for those who do not accept me and learn to love regardless.

Typically we here at LBP do not speak on political issues.  But this one touches us too closely to ignore.  Our founder, Kori Ashton, met the parents of Asher Brown at the TEN Conference in Austin, Texas, this past fall.  They shared a powerful story and gave us life-changing challenges. Find out more about this upcoming documentary.

I was born and raised in a conservative southern baptist home where we went to church every time the doors were opened. Sunday mornings I volunteered in the nursery, Sunday nights I did the same, Wednesday nights I taught in the AWANA program and on Saturday work days I was there cleaning and watching the kids. So naturally I went to a Christian university and when I moved to Lynchburg, VA I attended a baptist church where I kept the same routine. I also went in the summer as a camp counselor for the 2nd graders. I always knew I was different but I was taught that it was a sin and that I would not be favored in the eyes of God. At the age of 25 I realized just how miserable I was trying to live life the way I was taught I should. I let go and prayed that God would show me what was truth. I met a girl that took me to an affirming church where it was okay to be a gay christian. I began to pray harder that God would show me the truth and that is when I met a woman named Samantha. She was very wise about scripture and showed me how the things I’d been taught weren’t accurate. God didn’t hate me because I was gay and that is all I needed to know! Samantha and I are now married and while our families are not on board our chosen family and friends are the best! I hope to be able to help other people realize that God made us who we are and loves us for it!

I am staring at the ground and notice an ant, crawling and hauling a dead bug. It stumbles over grass and dirt, in between rocks, yet continues on its quest to lay this dead body to rest.

I was staring at this ant for so long that my eyes began to blur. The entire space of ground in front of me started moving – pulsing with life. There were hundreds of ants, spiders, crickets, moths – interacting, communing and scattering… each with a job – each with purpose and determination. Not one lone ant – so limitedly focused – NO – broaden the vision, let go of constraints and life is teaming about under my feet.

I looked up in amazement at what I had been blinded to my entire life. And, again, noticed not just the two paths, but the horizon, the miles and miles of hills and mountain peaks, speckled with tress, birds flying and chattering, squirrels, and frogs – butterflies – color splashed from flowers. Every inch around me is alive. This is how I feel now that I understand my sexuality – my love and passion for my gender. Alive. Open. Free.

I am so grateful to be on this journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and adoration of the person that God has made me.

At first, when I started accepting what I always knew, I felt explosions of pure bliss and ecstasy – even without ever having been with a woman. It was if I realized I was a beautiful rainbow of brilliant opaque colors trying to live in a world of black, white and grays. I want to flourish in my uniqueness and finally release my charismatic passion for women.

But it was like an internal big bang. Every particle of sensuality, sexuality and vibrancy had been in a pressure cooker for years. Saying and accepting the words – I am a lesbian – made this pulsating quasar of lust and love explode in all directions. I didn’t know where to turn, what to do – so willing to offer myself to any willing partner. Thank God – and I do mean that quite literally – despite my manipulative efforts at doing so – I have not offered my delicious delights to anyone as yet. I am learning, listening, praying, trying to be open and trying to hear these important messages through the muffling and blinding veil of hormonal sparks and chemicals that send my entire body and mind soaring away from clarity.

I am learning that I am a strong, intelligent, creative and passionate woman. In the heterosexual world, I needed to tame this, dull it down, and preserve the social norms. In my world of womanly love, my strength, intelligence, passion, creativity and independence are valued, and promoted. Unlike when I chose to live as a heterosexual due to my Christian upbringing, I now believe that I have the ability to value my beliefs, my pursuits, and my self in this new world. This is my group of people. This is where I am meant to be – and I feel honored to be a member of this beautiful population – I am a Christian lesbian!

I need to learn how to paint with these new tubes of color I have been given. Initially, the thrill of these colors made me grab – snatch – squeeze – making huge blobs of viscous emotions, openness, and lust. To love is an art. Take little dabs of color from the tube, play with it on the pallet, smear it in swirls with a brush, and then take a small amount and delicately use it to create and embellish a blank canvas into new life and long lasting love. I am looking forward to painting this painting – with a wonderful Christian, lesbian woman – where we grow together spiritually, emotionally, intellectually – while drawing the graffiti of the story we nurture on each other. Hmmm…. Life suddenly looks delicious.

The other major difference for me this year was something that wasn’t even on the schedule or meant to be “an official” portion of the conference.  Justin Lee, the president of GCN, invited Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, to attend a public panel discussion.  The panelists were Wendy Gritter of New Direction Ministries,  John Smid formerly the leader of Love in Action (an Exodus Affiliate Ministry) and Jeremy Marks former leader of Exodus UK.

To understand the significance of this event you’d probably need to know a little history on these three folks.  The best place to get that is from the video seen here.  I know it’s a long one, but it’s totally worth it!  The short version is that all three of these folks used to work directly with Exodus International when their focus was “Change is Possible.” This slogan was directed at LGBT people “encouraging” them to change their sexual orientation to straight, as to please God more and become whole in Christ. One by one these three people took their turn leaving Exodus and finding their own moments of change – however this change was more of a change of heart than a change of orientation.

For me, the magnitude of this 2.5 hour discussion held significance because this had never been done in a public setting before, these three were able to speak from a Heterosexual Christian standpoint (Or mixed orientation marriage), and I was surrounded by 400 brothers and sisters in Christ who either identified as gay, were straight allies, or were in some way there to support the conversation in a positive light.  This was the moment my past caught up with my present and I certainly never saw it happening this way.

You see, I used to work with Focus on the Family’s Love Won Out project.  I traveled around to Exodus Conferences as an Ex-Lesbian buying into the falsehood of “Change is Possible.”  Thankfully after five years of traveling, speaking and working side-by-side with them, I too had my change and left the Exodus network.  My reason for leaving was simple.  After five years of praying, seeking, doing and doing for God, I assumed that He’d grant me my wish to shake this so-called “shame of being same-sex-attracted” and allow me to be hetero and “normal.”  I wanted desperately to keep singing for the Lord and working in music ministry in my church, but I knew that through it all, at my core, that hadn’t changed.  All the other areas changed.  I stopped smoking.  I stopped partying.  I studied the Word of God daily.  I had accountability.  I woke each day and asked God, “What do you have for me today?” And while He took me on an amazing adventure and kept me quite busy doing things, it was in the still of the night, or the quite of my prayer time that I would still be reminded that “THIS FEELING” was very real and apparent.

This panel discussion gave me opportunity to hear that 99.9% of the Exodus attendees still experience Same-Sex-Attraction.  This panel discussion also reviled that I wasn’t the only one who left the ministry and still was passionate for Christ. This incredible moment allowed me to hear fellow LGBT folks extend grace to Alan and Exodus in a way that challenges my heart!  While the outcome of this 2.5 hour chat is still to be seen, I’m thankful that I was there to witness it in person.  All the guilt that I’ve carried through the years of the time spent with that ministry has been erased just by sitting there quietly and listening with an open heart.

Even though Exodus International no longer uses the slogan “Change is Possible,” they are still pursing the education of churches and individuals with the intent to “Change Gays” or “Heal Gays” from their homosexuality.  Their organization is still way off from really being able to speak healing, grace or love into any LGBT’s heart, because their approach is “Something’s wrong with you…”

Prayerfully a new direction for Exodus International with come from this chat… perhaps a Change in Their Hearts.  Christ himself loved first then allowed his example to cause change, if change was needed.   2012 can be a year of many things.  I hope and pray that ministries like GCN and Exodus can some day work together to help the world know that Gay AND Christian is possible; because on January 7, 2012, there was a group of Christians who took the time to extend grace, love and understanding across the aisle to each other surpassing labels of any kind and truly showing each other what it is to be Christ-like.

What an incredible conference and start to 2012!!   I wanted to share this song with you as well.  This is a “Call to Worship” opening song at the conference – sung by Rob Garrido, Sunshine Matthews and me…