First I want to look at what authentic means, “genuine, accurate in representation”. What does genuine mean, “not counterfeit, real, free from pretense”.

So how can we be authentic, the real us, genuinely who we are, while keeping a part of us hidden in secret? It can definitely cause discord inside of us as we feel we are not being honest and shame can creep in as we feel our integrity lacking by not being fully us, who we are at all times in front of all people. For many of us, discovering who we are authentically can be a journey in itself. When I finally accepted the sexual part of me and identified that I was in fact a lesbian, I began to understand a lot about myself. Things suddenly made sense deep inside and pieces came together that had seemed jagged and just didn’t fit. Initially, I was discovering who I was fully, the real me and embracing that while at the same time I did have to live in secret. I began to accept who I was and then seek to discover that God also accepted me as I was and in fact, knew all along who I was as He created me fully to be me. I allowed Him to let this truth go deep in my spirit and in my heart.. it took awhile for me to fully believe it. I learned that being a lesbian was only a part of who I was and that God has truly made me a beautiful mosaic, several things making me ME. I think it is possible to live authentically while not being open to others about every piece that makes you who you are. Doing that though, I believe, comes from a place of accepting yourself and being at peace with who you truly are. You can walk in authenticity and hold those dear things close to your heart without parading them around others. Keeping things close to your heart does not mean you are deceiving others or lying to them, it just simply means you are using wisdom until you feel you are able to share those things with them.

Psalm 139, this entire chapter is something that I read out loud to myself often. I want to highlight a couple of the verses in this chapter.

verses 1-3 “O Lord, You have searched me and KNOWN me, You know my sitting down and my rising up, You UNDERSTAND my thoughts afar off. You COMPREHEND my path and my lying down and are ACQUAINTED with all my ways.”

verse 13a “For You formed my inward parts…”

verse 15a “My frame was not HIDDEN from You when I was made in SECRET…”

My journey has always included Jesus. I remember in grade 2 having my first realization that maybe my thought processes and ways of thinking were a bit different than my friends. As I journeyed towards my teen years I knew that I was not attracted to boys. My journey began to shift a bit as my paradigms became more challenged the closer I got to my 30s. My understanding was that I am a lesbian, it is truly, authentically who I am. BUT!!! what about my relationship with Jesus? I have lived my entire life with Him as my Source, my Parent, my Best Friend, my Everything and I mean that literally… many years I would sit alone and know that He was all I had. I shared my deepest secrets with Him, I cried to Him more than anyone and He listened and comforted me always. My bond with Him was stronger than any other in my life. There were many days when I didn’t see life was worth living except for my relationship with Him and every time He was there when no one else was. Oh my has He been faithful to me!! So how do I leave Him now just to be authentic to who I am? This can’t be His plan for my life.

I decided that the turmoil of hiding was worst than coming out would be so I tentatively began to mention to a few in my life that I was a lesbian. Oh my bad decision! You see, I was the Children’s Ministry Leader for 8 years in that church and I was on the Prophetic Ministry Team… there is no way I could be a lesbian in their eyes and be used by God. So I was asked to step down from both ministries. This devastated me. Relationships changed. Well what that resulted in was my leaving my church for three months. It was so devastating to my heart as I realized that my entire life outside of my job was my church community. I was isolated and dying inside. I went back to church and submitted to their leadership promising that I would be open with them and share my same sex attractions and thoughts and would repent and seek healing.

It wasn’t long afterwards that I was restored to ministry and life resumed it’s normalcy. At least on the outside… on the inside I was jaded, hurting, and feeling as though God would never use me again… that I would never know the intimacy that He and I had so deeply shared. I was honest and shared my attractions/thoughts with my mentors and remained accountable in every way to my leadership team. Fast forward now to the end of that year, my mentors begin to realize that I haven’t been sharing quite as much and begin questioning me about it. Finally towards the beginning of 2005 I decide that if I cannot live authentically, then I do not want to live at all .. authenticity it is!!

This time I was not going to let them remove me from ministry. So I went to my Pastor and told him that I was removing myself from ministry to save them the trouble and was leaving the church because I was a lesbian and there was no changing that. What followed was far more devastating than the previous year’s experience had been. Over the next couple months, I was told that I was not allowed to return to visit the church, that if I saw any of the children in the store or out anywhere I was not to speak to them, that I was dead to them and no communication would be allowed. I was called into a meeting with my leadership team while they threw scriptures at me and told me that I was not welcome at their table and they could not share a meal with me. That relationships with them were over. I sat on the floor (with them all in chairs) and bawled as I have never bawled before. I was crying from the core of my being, emptied of all that was me. These were people I had known closer than family for 17 years, I had lived with one family even. Without these core people in my life, I had no one. The meeting went on and on for a couple hours, I would rather they had beat me physically because it would have hurt less than their words did.

I left there alone, empty and afraid. I cried out to God because that was all I knew to do. I had to believe that this God that I had known all my life was indeed loving and would not forsake me. I began attending a church that embraced me and truly taught me what it meant to live authentically. They ministered to my pain and hurt, my devastation and the loved me. It was a roller coaster ride for me to reconcile my faith and my sexuality.. but it did happen eventually.

My experience left me jaded and scared. It left me a different person. I wish it hadn’t. Today, I speak to those people who were in that meeting with me that day. I love them and have forgiven them. They accept me as me and we are acquaintances. God can bridge the gap, I simply had to let Him do it and let go of my hurt and anger. I mean in BIG ways. One couple now have their own church and a gay home group.. hello God!!

My God is a Redeemer, full of mercy and grace. I had to allow space in my life for those who do not accept me and learn to love regardless.

I came out late in life after a 13 year marriage to a man with whom I have a son .

I was 41 at that time and operated a street ministry called Yesway Cafe that I owned and operated.

I was a non denominational spirit filled believer.

A man was ministering one night at the Yesway Cafe on hidden sin , I didn’t feel as though my being a lesbian was the sin , it was my hiding it from the public and my husband.

That night in front of who I thought would be those who would understand me i confessed , as said in scripture: in the multitude of counsel there is safety , I confessed my desires as a homosexual.

My husband was stunned by my confession being public but I do believe , he already knew .

As time went by I thought i maybe should have came out differently , but as many of us I felt no time would be a good time , that it would have the same results of shock .

Needless to say I was divorced , now a single mother , and also had to explain to my son Dads not coming home.

I felt guilty more for the choices my Husband had made to abandon his son , and for the life he choose to literally drink himself to death as he has died 08/07/2011 .

Before he died I spoke to him asked him to forgive me for hurting him , verbally I never heard him say I forgive you , but I hoped that he did.

Was never my intent to hurt anyone , I just had to be true to myself and it was time no matter who agreed or dis agreed .

I felt selfish to say this is my life , I have to live the rest of this life either happy or discontent.

I choose my happiness , my own personal well being.

My next struggle was the God I loved and served since 1986 will he accept and love me still .

According to the church , I was bound for hell , which removed me from fellowship and ministry.

A year went by with fear , alone , church family abandon me , I found God in a way as I had never found him before , I thought I knew grace , but found out grace is abounding that it reaches out further than we can fathom …I was comforted by this scripture that reads …The work that God has began in me , He will be faithful to complete it…Its Gods faithfulness , even when we are faithless…

I am honored to say today that I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I am a lesbian and God is my Father.

Everyone has to make their own choices in life , and sometimes we may choose wrong but to live in that choice for the rest of my life to make others happy was wrong .

I came out with honesty and tears , hoping for understanding and forgiveness from people .

My slate is clean , my life is on tract , I’m by no means perfect but Gods love is still abounding towards me

I miss ministry , and I do hope someday I will find my place to reach out and touch lives again.

The callings of God are without repentance , meaning to whom he has called and gifted he will continue to use .

I look for open doors. I keep my heart open.  I wait on God .

In Christ Alone I put my trust,

Mary Alfred

Typically we here at LBP do not speak on political issues.  But this one touches us too closely to ignore.  Our founder, Kori Ashton, met the parents of Asher Brown at the TEN Conference in Austin, Texas, this past fall.  They shared a powerful story and gave us life-changing challenges. Find out more about this upcoming documentary.

I was born and raised in a conservative southern baptist home where we went to church every time the doors were opened. Sunday mornings I volunteered in the nursery, Sunday nights I did the same, Wednesday nights I taught in the AWANA program and on Saturday work days I was there cleaning and watching the kids. So naturally I went to a Christian university and when I moved to Lynchburg, VA I attended a baptist church where I kept the same routine. I also went in the summer as a camp counselor for the 2nd graders. I always knew I was different but I was taught that it was a sin and that I would not be favored in the eyes of God. At the age of 25 I realized just how miserable I was trying to live life the way I was taught I should. I let go and prayed that God would show me what was truth. I met a girl that took me to an affirming church where it was okay to be a gay christian. I began to pray harder that God would show me the truth and that is when I met a woman named Samantha. She was very wise about scripture and showed me how the things I’d been taught weren’t accurate. God didn’t hate me because I was gay and that is all I needed to know! Samantha and I are now married and while our families are not on board our chosen family and friends are the best! I hope to be able to help other people realize that God made us who we are and loves us for it!

I am staring at the ground and notice an ant, crawling and hauling a dead bug. It stumbles over grass and dirt, in between rocks, yet continues on its quest to lay this dead body to rest.

I was staring at this ant for so long that my eyes began to blur. The entire space of ground in front of me started moving – pulsing with life. There were hundreds of ants, spiders, crickets, moths – interacting, communing and scattering… each with a job – each with purpose and determination. Not one lone ant – so limitedly focused – NO – broaden the vision, let go of constraints and life is teaming about under my feet.

I looked up in amazement at what I had been blinded to my entire life. And, again, noticed not just the two paths, but the horizon, the miles and miles of hills and mountain peaks, speckled with tress, birds flying and chattering, squirrels, and frogs – butterflies – color splashed from flowers. Every inch around me is alive. This is how I feel now that I understand my sexuality – my love and passion for my gender. Alive. Open. Free.

I am so grateful to be on this journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and adoration of the person that God has made me.

At first, when I started accepting what I always knew, I felt explosions of pure bliss and ecstasy – even without ever having been with a woman. It was if I realized I was a beautiful rainbow of brilliant opaque colors trying to live in a world of black, white and grays. I want to flourish in my uniqueness and finally release my charismatic passion for women.

But it was like an internal big bang. Every particle of sensuality, sexuality and vibrancy had been in a pressure cooker for years. Saying and accepting the words – I am a lesbian – made this pulsating quasar of lust and love explode in all directions. I didn’t know where to turn, what to do – so willing to offer myself to any willing partner. Thank God – and I do mean that quite literally – despite my manipulative efforts at doing so – I have not offered my delicious delights to anyone as yet. I am learning, listening, praying, trying to be open and trying to hear these important messages through the muffling and blinding veil of hormonal sparks and chemicals that send my entire body and mind soaring away from clarity.

I am learning that I am a strong, intelligent, creative and passionate woman. In the heterosexual world, I needed to tame this, dull it down, and preserve the social norms. In my world of womanly love, my strength, intelligence, passion, creativity and independence are valued, and promoted. Unlike when I chose to live as a heterosexual due to my Christian upbringing, I now believe that I have the ability to value my beliefs, my pursuits, and my self in this new world. This is my group of people. This is where I am meant to be – and I feel honored to be a member of this beautiful population – I am a Christian lesbian!

I need to learn how to paint with these new tubes of color I have been given. Initially, the thrill of these colors made me grab – snatch – squeeze – making huge blobs of viscous emotions, openness, and lust. To love is an art. Take little dabs of color from the tube, play with it on the pallet, smear it in swirls with a brush, and then take a small amount and delicately use it to create and embellish a blank canvas into new life and long lasting love. I am looking forward to painting this painting – with a wonderful Christian, lesbian woman – where we grow together spiritually, emotionally, intellectually – while drawing the graffiti of the story we nurture on each other. Hmmm…. Life suddenly looks delicious.

The other major difference for me this year was something that wasn’t even on the schedule or meant to be “an official” portion of the conference.  Justin Lee, the president of GCN, invited Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, to attend a public panel discussion.  The panelists were Wendy Gritter of New Direction Ministries,  John Smid formerly the leader of Love in Action (an Exodus Affiliate Ministry) and Jeremy Marks former leader of Exodus UK.

To understand the significance of this event you’d probably need to know a little history on these three folks.  The best place to get that is from the video seen here.  I know it’s a long one, but it’s totally worth it!  The short version is that all three of these folks used to work directly with Exodus International when their focus was “Change is Possible.” This slogan was directed at LGBT people “encouraging” them to change their sexual orientation to straight, as to please God more and become whole in Christ. One by one these three people took their turn leaving Exodus and finding their own moments of change – however this change was more of a change of heart than a change of orientation.

For me, the magnitude of this 2.5 hour discussion held significance because this had never been done in a public setting before, these three were able to speak from a Heterosexual Christian standpoint (Or mixed orientation marriage), and I was surrounded by 400 brothers and sisters in Christ who either identified as gay, were straight allies, or were in some way there to support the conversation in a positive light.  This was the moment my past caught up with my present and I certainly never saw it happening this way.

You see, I used to work with Focus on the Family’s Love Won Out project.  I traveled around to Exodus Conferences as an Ex-Lesbian buying into the falsehood of “Change is Possible.”  Thankfully after five years of traveling, speaking and working side-by-side with them, I too had my change and left the Exodus network.  My reason for leaving was simple.  After five years of praying, seeking, doing and doing for God, I assumed that He’d grant me my wish to shake this so-called “shame of being same-sex-attracted” and allow me to be hetero and “normal.”  I wanted desperately to keep singing for the Lord and working in music ministry in my church, but I knew that through it all, at my core, that hadn’t changed.  All the other areas changed.  I stopped smoking.  I stopped partying.  I studied the Word of God daily.  I had accountability.  I woke each day and asked God, “What do you have for me today?” And while He took me on an amazing adventure and kept me quite busy doing things, it was in the still of the night, or the quite of my prayer time that I would still be reminded that “THIS FEELING” was very real and apparent.

This panel discussion gave me opportunity to hear that 99.9% of the Exodus attendees still experience Same-Sex-Attraction.  This panel discussion also reviled that I wasn’t the only one who left the ministry and still was passionate for Christ. This incredible moment allowed me to hear fellow LGBT folks extend grace to Alan and Exodus in a way that challenges my heart!  While the outcome of this 2.5 hour chat is still to be seen, I’m thankful that I was there to witness it in person.  All the guilt that I’ve carried through the years of the time spent with that ministry has been erased just by sitting there quietly and listening with an open heart.

Even though Exodus International no longer uses the slogan “Change is Possible,” they are still pursing the education of churches and individuals with the intent to “Change Gays” or “Heal Gays” from their homosexuality.  Their organization is still way off from really being able to speak healing, grace or love into any LGBT’s heart, because their approach is “Something’s wrong with you…”

Prayerfully a new direction for Exodus International with come from this chat… perhaps a Change in Their Hearts.  Christ himself loved first then allowed his example to cause change, if change was needed.   2012 can be a year of many things.  I hope and pray that ministries like GCN and Exodus can some day work together to help the world know that Gay AND Christian is possible; because on January 7, 2012, there was a group of Christians who took the time to extend grace, love and understanding across the aisle to each other surpassing labels of any kind and truly showing each other what it is to be Christ-like.

What an incredible conference and start to 2012!!   I wanted to share this song with you as well.  This is a “Call to Worship” opening song at the conference – sung by Rob Garrido, Sunshine Matthews and me…

Sadly many of us have a warped view of how we are to act and look as Christians in our everyday lives. Christ does see all and knows all, so there’s really no reason to hide anything from Him. But for some reason we think if we wear our clothes just right or quote enough Scripture, surely we will impress God to the point of gaining eternal life. Being a true, real Christian is all about our heart condition.

There is a story in the Bible that talks about those who live fake lives before God?

Matthew 7:21-23
“Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. 22 On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ 23 But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me…’

These people obviously were doing good works and calling out to the Lord so why did Christ turn them away? Jesus said; “Get away from me – because He never KNEW you.

We need to get to a place where living in front of Jesus (like in church or around other believers) looks just the same as when you are alone or with other friends who are not Christ-followers. Our goal should be to become so real in our lives that we no longer put on our “Sunday best” to be seen by God and worry about saying all the right “Christianize” during our prayers. But rather that we become so real and unafraid to give Him our desperate weak selves that in our broken, naked state He sees us – the true US and in that He will KNOW us.

Getting real with God starts by reading His Word and continues with prayer and fellowship with believers. Getting to know God requires a daily relationship. Think about it – if you just started dating someone – you want to spend every moment possible with them getting to know them. You might not want them to know what you look like without makeup or that you actually have gas every once in a while, but that’s reality! It’s not until you get intimate with each other that you begin to see that person for who they really are – you KNOW them!
That’s what it is like to get real with God. It might not always be pretty or perfect but it’s REAL.

Check out some real stuff from David in the Bible – it’s messy and David gets real in sharing it. And it’s exactly what God loves!

Psalm 142 (New International Version)
1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.

2 I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.

4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, O LORD;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.

7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

Disclaimer – Please don’t allow anyone – not even us – to dictate your walk with Christ. When you stand before the Lord – you will stand before Him alone. You, alone, will be accountable for your actions. It’s a serious responsibility. So dig into the Bible for yourself and challenge your heart to find the truth – not YOUR truth but God’s truth for you. The Word says to seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened.

Kori attended private Christian school her whole life so at 18 when it was time to go off to college the natural step was to attend Bible college – Southwestern Assemblies of God University in Texas. Within two weeks she had already met her first girlfriend who was another pastor’s daughter. SAGU is adamantly against homosexuality, so again Kori knew better than to be open about her feelings. She fought to keep her sexual desires secret so that she could attend the University and keep up the appearance of a “healthy, normal Christian.” She even dated guys to help camouflage her lesbian relationships. She was “outted” in 1995 and immediately kicked out.

It was inevitable to feel regret and confusion in a situation like this. Kori had been reared to believe a certain way, and everything she had been living for said that she was a hypocrite and a failure. She began to weigh it all out, and decided that the shame of being a lesbian was too overwhelming. Pushing all of her true feelings deep inside, she confessed her “sins”, renounced being gay and was allowed to re-attend SAGU in 1996. Over the next few years Kori would have multiple partners – all secret relationships with fellow, female students. But the fear of being a disappointment and disgrace to her family would soon take its toll.

Wanting to please others – Kori decided once again to suppress her sexual desires and attempt to become the “ideal” Christian, young lady. She left SAGU in 1999 and rekindled her dream of singing around the world for Jesus. Along with a few friends, Kori started a Christian band called “Exit” and began using the title “Ex-Gay” for publicity. Word spread quickly about the band and almost overnight they began working with Exodus International, Exodus Youth, PFOX, Focus on the Family and several other ex-gay affiliates. Kori founded MyTrueFreedom.net – an Ex-gay website where she shared her struggle and directed kids and teens to Exodus Youth.

As a band Exit’s first gig was opening for the Christian band Skillet and it wasn’t long before they was touring the United States and opening for bands like Tree 63, David Crowder, Pillar, Third Day and others. Kori ministered side by side with several well-known icons of the ex-gay circle like Sy Rogers in Florida and Dennis Jernigan in Oklahoma. They recorded 3 CDs and their music was heard on the radio around the world via Calvary Satellite Network.

In 2002 Exit was the featured band for the youth portion of the Exodus International National Conference in Wheaton, IL. Through the years Kori’s band ministered at Cornerstone Festival with Exodus Youth, many Love Won Out Conferences across the United States and was the featured speaker and worship team for many ex-gay events.

Well on the way to fame in the Christian market, Kori’s schedule kept her so busy that it was becoming easier for her to ignore her homosexual feelings. Years pasted and Kori decided to become a solo artist (Kori Ashton Band) and continued in the ex-gay ministry, now as a full time worship pastor of a large church in Idaho where she led five worship services to over 9,000 people per week.

Kori was at last living her dream – singing for Jesus and sharing God’s love – but somehow she was still quietly hurting and lonely. She had been so preoccupied with creating an image of a “Perfect Christian,” she had ignored who she truly was. After leaving the full-time ministry in 2004, Kori turned and faced her struggle. Through counseling and mentoring, personal discovery and family support, Kori found a balance of her sexual identity and her faith!

“It has been a lot of tears and prayers, but I am blessed to say that I am now Ex-Ex Gay. No label fits me better than “Set Free!” The manipulation of the condemning so-called “Christians” (not true examples of Christ) with their failed rehabs and the self-abuse of needed perfection is NO MORE! God’s Word is Truth – Nothing can separate us from His Love!

I have never known God’s peace and grace like I do now. I have realized that my imperfection keeps me on my knees, looking to God and not to people for my acceptance. He truly loves me for me. I wouldn’t go back and do things differently. The road I’ve traveled has been the scenic route, but it has led me to the feet of God where I rest in His Grace knowing that I am His design, His joy and His perfection!”

Today Kori has traveled to 8 countries sharing God’s Truth and can be found leading worship at local churches. She has performed at Pride festivals and events in south Texas singing about her personal evolution.

When she launched LesBePure.com in 2008 her goal was to have a safe place online where women could go to learn more about finding their own balance of faith and sexual orientation. She wanted to create a resource for the lesbian community to discover a new way to rethink, respond and react!

Kori and her partner Rebecca were married legally in Iowa June 16th and then had a church ceremony in Becky’s hometown of Rockford, IL on June 19, 2010. Now wouldn’t Oprah call that a “Full Circle Moment!”??